fate keeps on happening

Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind

(At the ballet...)

Stewie: You know, Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia and uh, it seems to work out for them. So.... hintedy hint hint.

Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, uh... you kids develop any good pot connections at your school yet?

Chris: What?

Meg: Yeah.

Brian: Ah. Lois we'll be right back, uh... Meg's gonna take me outside to poop.

Family Guy: Boys Do Cry

Brian: Quick! Into the bathroom! We're gonna have to come up with a way to change your appearance.
Stewie: Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears... I'm already standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

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Stewie: What is this? What the hell are we doing here?
Lois: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. It's what you do when you're in Texas.
Stewie: Ooooh, lovely... a first class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

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Lois: Y'know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values. But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside... from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place, if you have such a bit problem with 'em, instead of blaming the shows themselves. Yeah...

Family Guy: If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't.... nothing?

Peter: Oh yeah...

Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang

There are so MANY amazing lines in this show... anyway, here's a particularly good one:

Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party.. an elephant and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change!